I Hate My Face

To start off, I don't hate my face.  Not anymore anyway.  For as long as I can remember, I've hated pictures of me.  Skinny or not, I didn't like my smile or anything about a picture of me.  I think it's because we all see ourselves a certain way & when a picture doesn't reflect how we see ourselves it can be disappointing.  How often have you looked in a mirror & then later saw a picture and thought "That's not me!"?

After my oldest son was baptized in September 2005, I saw pictures of myself that couldn't POSSIBLY be of me.  This picture specifically.  Who the hell was that?!?

I was 5'3" and 240 lbs.  Technically morbidly obese.  I was a size 22/24 and getting bigger.  I couldn't believe I'd let myself get like this.  This picture started the very LOOOONG, frustrating journey of trying to lose weight.  

And so continued the hatred of my face.  There are not a lot of pictures of me and Jack.  Mainly because I was always behind the camera.  I was so unhappy with myself, I just couldn't bear to be in pictures unless I had to.  Facetime & Skype were like torture because then I HAD to look at myself in that small square on the screen.  I would actually say to myself "I hate my face".  It's an awful way to think of yourself.  I also avoided full length mirrors like the plague.  Not only was I unhappy with my face but I hated my body.

When my mother died in July 2013, we realized that there were no pictures of her & all three of her grandchildren.  Actually, there were barely ANY pictures of her with any of them!  I realized that I was doing the same thing she was.  She always put down pictures of herself because she didn't like them.  I realized I would pull the same face she did when I saw a pic of myself.  I decided then that I wasn't going to do that anymore.  My kids don't care how I look.  My kids don't care if I'm making a weird face.  They care that we are in a picture together.  I have 2 boys and I hope that one day they'll appreciate there are so many pics of us together.

The breakthrough happened last week.  It was Jack's birthday & my in laws wanted to Facetime with him to wish him happy birthday.  I KNEW I'd have to be on there with him.  I WAS NOT looking forward to it.  I try always to look at the camera so I don't have to look at myself.  This time was different.  As I chatted with them I glanced at myself.  There I was.  The me I always had in my head.  I loved how I looked in that little square.  My hair, my face, my smile, all of it!

Finding my fitness has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  Not only do I feel better because I'm moving my body but hot damn, do I look good!  My confidence has never been so high!

Why did I write this particular blog post?  Why did I decide to let you into a part of myself that I never let out into the public?  I know I'm not the only one.  I'm not the only one who has avoided mirrors & cameras.  Who compares herself to everyone else and only looks at the shortcomings, or used to anyway.  I'm beginning to love mirrors and cameras.  I love taking selfies.  I love myself and the person I'm becoming.  

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